My Desperate PSA for 2020……

I mentioned several blog posts back that I took a short break from writing because I felt like everything I said and did was taken out of context. To be honest, it just felt nice to have a little pity party for myself so that’s exactly what I did.

But…I’ve decided to do my yearly obligatory post about fostering. So, this is your warning to do what only you can do in this moment…..quit reading if you so desire.

We opened back up for respite care about 5 months ago and had strict plans to only do short term placements. We stuck to that for a couple of months and then received a call for a toddler they hoped to have home by Christmas. We were on board with that and wanted to help mom succeed around the holidays. First rookie mistake….savior mentality hit me hard and I figured I better say yes so reunification efforts weren’t sabotaged.

Enter this toddler who is super cute and cuddly but cries as if he’s in a crying contest ALL. THE. TIME. We walk into our house at the end of the day and it’s what I imagine war to be like. Henry starts hitting him to try to keep him quiet (this doesn’t work by the way), the girls are doing homework, someone has a game or practice, and for some reason they all want to eat. J.O. and I are playing zone defense at this point and typically yelling out things like: “Where is his cup? Grab a diaper! He pooped AGAIN. Do your homework! No, you cannot have fast food. Yes, you can have fast food because I’m never cooking again.” And so forth and so forth.

A couple of nights ago I was sitting at home while J.O. handled the ballgame and I texted a picture of a screaming child to my friend with some very choice words. Needless to say, she was also having a bad day so we went on a 10 minute tirade about the inadequacies of the system, the failures of the programs, and the fact that our lives are just not very fun.

And then I put all the kids to bed and started over the next day.

Now, some of you reading this are thinking…. “exactly. This is why I didn’t choose this life and don’t do this. I help in other ways but I’m not going to bring this many kids into my home.” And I would say okay. That sounds pretty awesome. My only caution would be to never change that mindset because once you open this door, you will never be able to close it. The need is too great and the families are desperate.

Just yesterday I was texting our caseworker about trying to get our toddler with his other toddler sister. In the same home. Because they should be together. And she told me she would work on it, but there were simply no homes right now for all the kids in care. Let alone a home that could take a 1 and 3 year old.

Truthfully, I get it. The system is completely overwhelmed right now. And not everyone is able to foster. But I have to believe this…..if only a third of the homes that were CALLED to foster would open, this wouldn’t be an issue.

I’m exhausted. I’m raising a toddler that laughs in the face of obedience and a 1 year old that deserves way more attention than I can give him. But the truth is….if we don’t continue who will? That’s not me being a savior that’s me stating a fact. I get no less than 5 texts PER DAY for placements of multiple sibling groups. Homes are closing faster than they are opening. Trust me…I would love to have the church nursery worker mentality of: “I did my part and now it’s your turn.” But there’s no one waiting to tap in. That’s not dramatic…it’s just the truth. And now, I’m simply too far in to turn my back on it.

You should know this……working with the state can be difficult, working with kids who have lost everything near and dear to them can be hard, taking in kids when you already have kids can be busy……BUT….literal lives are counting on you. Are the blessings better in the long run? Of course. The relationships I have to this day would not be there if it wasn’t for this journey.

But……consider this my PSA for 2020. Please, for the love of all current foster parents sanity, go through the training and open your home if you know you should. This is not a poor pitiful me post, this is a poor pitiful kids post. We shouldn’t be their only and best option. Our toddler should be with his siblings who look like him and not thrown in with us. But….that cannot happen until there are more homes. Period.

So, don’t do it to give us a break, do it to give him all that he needs.

Treating People like Humans

I’m obsessed with a new show on ABC called “For Life.” It follows a man wrongfully convicted of being a drug kingpin who receives life in prison on his first conviction. It’s based loosely on a true story and is easily one of my favorite dramas on tv.

My favorite part of the show is the female warden of the prison, because she is determined to completely change the way the prison is run. She allows longer visitations, more contact between inmates, and gives them a place to work out and play sports outside.

Basically, she treats them like humans.

I’ve only been inside a prison as a visitor twice and both times were within the last year. So, I will be the first to admit my experience is very limited. However, I noticed something the first time I visited. The mood in the visitation room was extremely subdued. The officer on duty was very stoic and had no visible personality. Now, I should be clear about something. The women in this facility are not on death row with shanks hidden in their pants pocket. Felons yes, but mostly due to a lifelong struggle with addiction.

Anyway, I was immediately told this guard wouldn’t let many things fly. The women were visibly nervous when I started letting Henry roam around the room. He started going towards the American flag and I could tell this was not okay. The guard was giving us the eye and Henry’s biological mom told me I should probably grab him. She told me she was nervous this guard would give her a strike and she was working so hard for no strikes. I just chalked it up to prison life and tried my best to keep Henry from running rampant. At one point, she asked the guard if we could take Henry in the play room and the answer was no. There seemed to be no apparent reason for this answer other than the fact that she could.

However, the next time I visited I noticed something different. There was a different guard on duty and the room was visibly more relaxed. Women were smiling and talking a bit louder and the guard even made an effort to engage in a bit of small talk. The play room was utilized and Henry was able to make his way over to the coveted flag. It was a better experience completely, but the reason didn’t hit me until one night when I was watching my beloved show.

The second guard treated these women like humans. She celebrated their families, smiled at their children, and allowed them to play together in the playroom. She still followed every single rule they had, but did it while remembering these were actual people. With real families. And real lives outside of these four walls.

We wonder why people are so often released from jail just to find themselves right back in. Have you ever been around a child who can do nothing right with their parents? Seriously. They wake up and screw up from the second their feet hit the floor. They are too loud, too rowdy, too rude, too messy, etc. etc. And after a while they just quit caring. They are going to stay in trouble no matter what so they might as well have fun while doing it.

Now, before you come at me with, “but kids are not hardened criminals” or “these people are terrible people.” Let me tell you something. I’ve heard about some kids doing some pretty sad things. Starting fires, offending against a younger child, and so forth. But make no mistake….if we tried to rehabilitate them by putting them in a metal cell in our closet, we would be the ones arrested. We don’t do that because it wouldn’t work. And because it’s extremely cruel. As parents, we may send our child somewhere for help, but it would look more like a therapeutic center and less like shackles and chains.

I’m not asking for a debate on whether adult criminals should be incarcerated. Of course someone who kills another person should be put away. Or someone who sex traffics young girls. And so on and so on. The day sin entered the world, there became a need for rules and regulations.

But I am saying this. As a society, we have to quit treating humans like caged animals and being shocked when they bite.