Deconstructing the Purity Culture

Okay, take a deep breath. This is not exactly what it sounds like, but just a warning….this might be a bit hard to read if you still think it’s okay to have women hammer nails on a cross to illustrate sex before marriage.

I recently heard an illustration that I loved. Imagine walking into a room and you can’t help but focus on a couch that you absolutely hate. It’s not terribly uncomfortable but the style has never really matched yours. However, it’s practical and has some good components so you decide to keep it. Now, imagine you’re talking to a friend about getting rid of the couch but the friend warns you not to do it. If you get rid of the couch, then the ottoman won’t work. If you get rid of the ottoman, you will need a new chair, then a new rug. Suddenly, you will be standing in an empty room and having to start over from scratch. All because you got rid of the couch.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. This has always been my problem. I have never been settled with the so called purity culture. You know the one I mean….the one that says you are only “pure” if you remain a virgin until married. The teaching that men can’t control themselves, so once you start they won’t be able to stop. Women will be damaged goods and will never be able to rid themselves of the shame and guilt. They will forever be tied emotionally so they might as well get married. You could see the flawed logic in all of this.

However, because there are slight elements of truth here as well, it’s what makes it so hard to throw away the sofa. We become fearful of the slippery slope that we preach about, forgetting that the slope is often man made and it’s only slippery because we are holding a bottle of Dawn.

The truth is….we’ve made our own rules and added to Scripture in this area. We are attaching the word pure to something of our own standards. And to be clear…the standard is to be a virgin. You can do a lot of other stuff and still be pure by Sunday School standards. Not to mention, we don’t make a caveat for women who have been sexually abused or raped. We don’t want to touch that with a 10 foot pole, so we just inadvertently make them feel unclean without ever really saying it. AND….what about when the abuse is done on the watch of the church? What kind of purity standard does that fall into?

There is no other standard we attach words to such as clean/dirty except referring to sex before marriage. It’s no wonder that a watching culture wants nothing to do with us. We’ve really messed this one up. If a woman sleeps around she’s a slut, but if a guy sleeps around he’s a player. If a woman has sex before marriage she’s used and dirty, if a guy sleeps with his girlfriend once he will need it every time. We’ve covered up abuse in churches so much we don’t even recognize what’s right and wrong. We’ve had youth ministers taking advantage of girls since the beginning of time and guess what….most of them are still in ministry. And the women…well, they’re in counseling.

So what’s the answer? How do we get rid of the couch without throwing everything out of the window? How do we keep our kids safe and instill in them a healthy view of marriage and sex? How do I instill in my kids a desire to follow what God has for them without adding to His words? And what about my kids who might remain single? Um, let’s don’t even go there. But a purity culture that doesn’t address singleness and only addresses “saving yourself before marriage” is not a very well rounded view. When we are only preparing young women for their spouse, we are missing a generation of single men and women.

Our viewpoint is too often this:

• Teens and early 20’s be vigilant….don’t find yourself in a compromising position with a guy or girl. Have your guard up. Guard your heart. Don’t be a tease. Don’t run alone or be out after dark alone. Don’t wear short skirts….guys can’t handle it. Bind your breasts, wear baggy shirts. If you’re showing your knees, they might think you will easily show them something else. Spaghetti straps? Are. You. Kidding.
• Mid 20’s, early 30’s….watch out for who you meet on dating sites. They may have other ideas about what’s acceptable. Only practice courtship. No, only date in groups. No, only meet at church. They don’t go to church?? RUN. Oh, you were drinking?? Hmm…did you lead them on? Maybe your guard was down? Were you clear about your boundaries? Have you already had sex once? They could probably tell….
• Late 30’s, early 40’s…..wait….maybe your purpose is singleness. Um, no wait…maybe it’s to marry a divorced person. Wait, you aren’t sure you want kids? You do want kids? I’m not really sure what to do with you. At this point, purity talks go out the window. We quit discussing it because suddenly we’ve decided it’s no longer important. And because quite frankly, we are no longer sure what to say.

Surely, you can see the issue. For those of us in our 40’s, who grew up with ring ceremonies and purity pledges we are just a bit jaded. Everything in our world centered on sex and what to do and what not to do. Let’s don’t even talk about the fact that when you do get married, you’re suddenly expected to flip a switch and become a goddess in the bedroom.

What if we did this…..what if we were brutally honest with our kids? They can take it, I assure you. What if we told them that if (and when) they mess up, it’s okay. They aren’t impure. Or dirty. What if we taught them that sex before marriage is not God’s best plan and there are often consequences. That our desire is to raise kids who are so madly in love with Jesus that His plans for their life become their plans. That there is actually MORE freedom in a life with Jesus than a life without. We can’t blame our kids for not believing that when it comes to sex. We’ve spent decades putting restrictions on women’s clothing, their hair and their dating rules. We’ve conveyed the message that once a woman messes up it’s too late and often it’s their fault. There’s a nail in the cross that has now left a hole. She’s damaged goods. On the flip side, we’ve conveyed to young men that they can’t help it. Boys will be boys and all…..

How in the world did we not recognize the disaster we were creating, all in the name of Jesus?

However, there is hope. No matter how good you are, no matter what rules you adhere to, and no matter what religion you claim…you can never “save yourself.” You simply can’t do it. You also can’t be “pure” by following a set of rules. So, follow Christ. Love Jesus. Read His word. Rely solely on Him to save you and cleanse you. And confide in friends and family who can help you and point you to His word. And when you mess up…..just know this….Jesus is there, waiting to redeem and restore you.

And get rid of the couch. It’s okay to throw something out simply because you don’t like it and it just doesn’t fit. It doesn’t mean that you’re getting rid of everything. The alternative is forgetting why you kept it in the first place. And to me….that’s a much more dangerous place to be.

True Confessions….

In light of what’s happening in the world right now, here is a really dumb post to keep the mood breezy……

A few things you may not know about me:

Now that J.O. is working from home, I sometimes go to work even when I’m off and just read a book. Alone. In my office.

Sometimes I go for a “run” but really just go around the corner and sit on the trail behind our house and watch Netflix. I’ve never been more “healthy” than when I was trying to finish Grey’s Anatomy.

My son open hand slapped me this morning when my eyes were closed in bed because I wouldn’t look at him. So, I did what the therapist suggested and pivoted away from him. He then threw himself off the bed in anger so I told my 2 1/2 year old with global developmental delays, “That hurt no one but you bud. I’m headed to the shower.” He was fine FYI….me too for anyone concerned.

Our house has cameras in it for an old alarm system. The younger girls still think they work and I take risks on that one all the time. So far I am 10/10 on telling them to go ahead and confess because I saw it on camera. I’ve learned a lot of interesting things simply by bluffing. I’m getting very good. Sometimes they yell at me and ask me what they’re doing in front of the camera. I can usually guess or sneak around and peak.

If I’m in a bad mood, I grab my flower mask out of the car instead of my First Baptist one. That way I don’t have to worry if I’m not too friendly.

I realized several years ago spanking didn’t work for my kids. Plus, I only ever spanked out of anger. I also said dumb things like, “do you want a spanking?” My mom pointed out once that a child has never answered yes to that question. In the last 2 years my kids behavior has stayed the same. It’s no better or worse with lack of spanking. So has this worked? No clue. But we are all happier.

Having 5 kids gets me out of a lot. No one expects me to be really good at anything. It’s been awesome for someone who is happy being mediocre. When Henry is the only child at home, I will have to move.

I don’t have fear of missing out. I love chatting and keeping up with friends, but relaxing on the couch wins out every time.

Well, if you made it this far congrats. Hopefully I can create a more intelligent post soon.

Treating People like Humans

I’m obsessed with a new show on ABC called “For Life.” It follows a man wrongfully convicted of being a drug kingpin who receives life in prison on his first conviction. It’s based loosely on a true story and is easily one of my favorite dramas on tv.

My favorite part of the show is the female warden of the prison, because she is determined to completely change the way the prison is run. She allows longer visitations, more contact between inmates, and gives them a place to work out and play sports outside.

Basically, she treats them like humans.

I’ve only been inside a prison as a visitor twice and both times were within the last year. So, I will be the first to admit my experience is very limited. However, I noticed something the first time I visited. The mood in the visitation room was extremely subdued. The officer on duty was very stoic and had no visible personality. Now, I should be clear about something. The women in this facility are not on death row with shanks hidden in their pants pocket. Felons yes, but mostly due to a lifelong struggle with addiction.

Anyway, I was immediately told this guard wouldn’t let many things fly. The women were visibly nervous when I started letting Henry roam around the room. He started going towards the American flag and I could tell this was not okay. The guard was giving us the eye and Henry’s biological mom told me I should probably grab him. She told me she was nervous this guard would give her a strike and she was working so hard for no strikes. I just chalked it up to prison life and tried my best to keep Henry from running rampant. At one point, she asked the guard if we could take Henry in the play room and the answer was no. There seemed to be no apparent reason for this answer other than the fact that she could.

However, the next time I visited I noticed something different. There was a different guard on duty and the room was visibly more relaxed. Women were smiling and talking a bit louder and the guard even made an effort to engage in a bit of small talk. The play room was utilized and Henry was able to make his way over to the coveted flag. It was a better experience completely, but the reason didn’t hit me until one night when I was watching my beloved show.

The second guard treated these women like humans. She celebrated their families, smiled at their children, and allowed them to play together in the playroom. She still followed every single rule they had, but did it while remembering these were actual people. With real families. And real lives outside of these four walls.

We wonder why people are so often released from jail just to find themselves right back in. Have you ever been around a child who can do nothing right with their parents? Seriously. They wake up and screw up from the second their feet hit the floor. They are too loud, too rowdy, too rude, too messy, etc. etc. And after a while they just quit caring. They are going to stay in trouble no matter what so they might as well have fun while doing it.

Now, before you come at me with, “but kids are not hardened criminals” or “these people are terrible people.” Let me tell you something. I’ve heard about some kids doing some pretty sad things. Starting fires, offending against a younger child, and so forth. But make no mistake….if we tried to rehabilitate them by putting them in a metal cell in our closet, we would be the ones arrested. We don’t do that because it wouldn’t work. And because it’s extremely cruel. As parents, we may send our child somewhere for help, but it would look more like a therapeutic center and less like shackles and chains.

I’m not asking for a debate on whether adult criminals should be incarcerated. Of course someone who kills another person should be put away. Or someone who sex traffics young girls. And so on and so on. The day sin entered the world, there became a need for rules and regulations.

But I am saying this. As a society, we have to quit treating humans like caged animals and being shocked when they bite.

Entire Span of Life….

Years ago, I heard Christie Erwin give a speech on fostering and adopting and it completely changed my thinking. She began her talk by saying she realized she had to do more than just say she was pro-life. She had to put action to those words. I’ve been thinking lately about what that should really look like for those of us who are pro-life.

If you’re pro-life, you’re pro-family. Period. The 12 year old who is raped by a family member and has no one to turn to? She needs food stamps, free childcare to attend school, help finding a job, and housing as she ages. She doesn’t need judged if one kid early, leads to multiple kids later. It might mean multiple kids on food stamps or standing on the corner asking for money. But, she didn’t abort.

If you’re pro-life, you don’t rejoice when families fall apart. This is a controversial topic and one you may think hypocritical coming from me. However, although I cannot imagine life without 3 of my kids, I wish even more their family would’ve been restored. That hurts even typing it. It really does. Don’t get me wrong. As Christians we are called to stand in the gap when reunification doesn’t happen. But, it’s a family born out of loss. Period.

If you’re pro-life, your thinking changes from: I need to call DHS on that mom, to I need to help that mom. Again, don’t misunderstand me here. There is no tolerance on abuse, sexual misconduct, etc. But most kids enter foster care due to neglect. That typically means poverty. Lack of food. Lack of housing. Etc. Our mind usually goes to worst case scenario when we meet foster kids. Myself included. We picture kids locked in closets and starved to death or beaten. And make no mistake, that happens. But, we tend to only hear about those stories because they spread around Facebook like wildfire. Reading about a child locked in a closet is more interesting than reading about a mom struggling with alcohol and homelessness. Sad, but true.

When sin entered the world, there became a need for foster and adoptive parents and that need will not go away this side of Heaven. If you have always considered fostering or adopting you should do it. Especially if you are pro-life. However, just be prepared to do it with eyes wide open. Fostering may lead to adoption and that can be a great thing. We just tend to stop there. But pro-life means so much more than stopping at birth. It means helping the moms who chose life when the world told them not to. It means helping the children who are affected by addiction. It means helping a foster family BUT it may also mean helping a birth mom. It might mean buying her clothes, food, etc.

If being pro-life meant it ended at birth, we would call it pro-birth. Or pro-pregnancy. But, we are implying that we are pro birth-death. The entire span of life. So, maybe we should either change our thinking a bit or be honest with where we really stand.