If you’ve read any of my past posts, you know I’ve struggled with my view of adoption. I have ultimately concluded that God loves adoption, but it will never be perfect. It was not the original plan for the family. God’s original plan would mean addictions, systematic poverty, abuse and neglect all cease to exist.
But unfortunately, we don’t live in a world where that is the reality. So adoption must exist.
However, you can’t love your child fully without loving their biological family. I’m going to say that again slower. You can’t love your child fully without loving their biological family.
Let me clarify. In our house we have 3 sets of parents total. One of these sets parent daily (J.O. and I), and 2 sets are parenting from behind the scenes. Never present in person, but always lurking in spirit. Two sets of these parents are what we consider unstable. Lack of funds, lack of education, lack of ability to ever tell the truth, lack of common sense, NOT a lack of addictions, etc. They are a melting pot of a whole lot of hot mess. And I used to take a much different approach. My approach was….if you ignore them, they don’t exist.
This approach was snotty at best, and hypocritical for sure. Then, my almost 8 year old became more vocal. I will never forget last spring break we went on a cruise to Mexico. The second she stepped off the boat in Cozumel, she asked me if her parents were there. She is basically waiting on the day for me to introduce her to them. There is a hole you can almost see that will not start to be filled until she meets them.
We recently started a journey with Henry’s parents that is uncharted territory to me. It all started with a documentary I watched on Netflix about prison. One thing it talked about was the need for people to have money on their prison cards.
It was fascinating to me how corrupt the system is that we are sending people to, in hopes of helping them not to be corrupt. But that’s a post for another day.
Anyway, I put money on his mom’s card and that has led to some phone conversations and who knows what else.
Now, I understand I don’t owe these parents anything. But, the truth is….Henry’s dad never had a chance. The second Henry entered foster care, it was like climbing up a mountain backwards, naked and blindfolded. And I was climbing right beside him but I had a rope, proper clothes, and a guide. I could navigate the mountain, had plenty of food and water, and people to help me when I got tired. He couldn’t win and there was a child at stake.
Do you have to maintain a relationship with birth parents when you adopt? No. And a lot of times it’s best. We don’t have contact with the girls parents at this time and it’s the right choice. But, if you adopt do you need to love the other parents involved? YES.
Sometimes this love means the best choice is having a relationship. Will it be sticky? Of course? Will it be perfect? Of course not. But neither is adoption. Just don’t start this journey thinking you can completely keep your child oblivious to their past. If you think that…..adoption might not be for you.
Sometimes the only thing making a difference between my mountain climb and theirs, is a rope.