Women Can’t Have it All

I wrote this post a couple of years ago at a very hard time in my walk and in my life in ministry. I didn’t share it because I decided to sit on it for a long time and see if it still rang true and might resonate with others. I decided that it still rings true today.

I read something by a pretty controversial author on Twitter, that said…”there’s no other people group on earth who has it easier than women.” Typically, I’m fine with blanket statements like this one as long as the author has experience in the area. But, seeing as how he is a man….it’s pretty hard to take him seriously.

While I agree women in America have it easier than women in let’s say…Iran…there’s no doubt that women in America simply do not have it easier than men. They just don’t.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about so many things lately and that tweet put me over the edge. So, I decided to put my thoughts on paper. Some may call me angry, some may call me bitter, but I just call myself a woman who happens to be in ministry. And a mom to 3 girls.

*These experiences DO NOT all directly relate to my time in ministry. They span my time in the workforce in general.

In large ministry settings one of two things are assumed: I’m the children’s minister or I’m the wife to one of the pastors.

I’m seen as cranky and bossy when I disagree. I’m seen as “irrational” if I become emotional.

I’ve got too much on my plate because I’m busy. My counterparts are successful.

If I’m a leader in direct contact with a male boss, it must be because there’s something fishy going on. Or, it “looks bad.”

I’m interrupted more.

My opinions are recycled as their opinion and idea. If they like it.

I was once told it was shocking I was so smart.

I don’t want to be a stay at home mom. And I’m a Christian who truly LOVES the Lord. This is hard for people to accept or even agree with.

People have used this reason as an excuse for being sexist when I’ve called them out. They say something like: “But, I really love women.” No kidding. All men do. They love their moms, if they are heterosexual they love women in a physical way, if they are a girl dad they love their daughters. Don’t mistake love for women as respecting them in the workplace.

This is not a pity post because I’ve been so oppressed and discriminated against. That would be a lie. I’ve had it pretty good and live a great life. However, if you think women aren’t discriminated against you are lying to yourself. Some of the biggest ways the church has blatantly gotten it wrong are primarily female issues. Our narrative about abortion, sexual assault, premarital sex, women in the workplace, etc.

I have to think the reason is this. In ministry Jesus surrounded himself with women. I have to also believe He heeded their counsel if needed. However, we’ve primarily set up our leadership in ministry to be men riding solo. Sure, they may have women on staff but they typically aren’t in the room outside of women’s or children’s ministry decisions. I just don’t believe Mary was excused when Jesus was finished talking about the little children.

On the flip side this often happens. Perhaps women do have a leadership position. Perhaps they have a seat at the table. Perhaps they are smart and their opinion is valued by another leader. For whatever reason that is often threatening and must be shut down immediately. It must be stopped. So how do we stop it? Take away their credibility. Yell affair. Yell emotions. Yell irrational mother. If they push for change, accuse them of not really understanding how it works. Try to talk above their heads to prove this point even more. Shake your head when they are talking and cause others to question their credibility. Keep it up until they decide it’s not worth it.

Because make no mistake they will decide it’s not worth it.

Women have an advantage over men. They can walk away easier because they have been trained to do so. Women will make the decision their family is worth more. Of course there are some women that allow pride to stop them from doing that, but it’s not the majority. Pride brings down men in the workplace and in ministry far more often than women.

So can women have it all? Yes. How? Because we will choose Jesus and our family most every time. Our success may not happen in worldly terms, but it will happen. And we will be closer to the Lord because of it. Jesus was the ultimate champion of women. He didn’t just love them as a man loves his mom. He respected them. He gave them authority. He surrounded himself with them. He leaned on them. And he valued them. And just to be clear: Women don’t have it easier.

Deconstructing the Purity Culture

Okay, take a deep breath. This is not exactly what it sounds like, but just a warning….this might be a bit hard to read if you still think it’s okay to have women hammer nails on a cross to illustrate sex before marriage.

I recently heard an illustration that I loved. Imagine walking into a room and you can’t help but focus on a couch that you absolutely hate. It’s not terribly uncomfortable but the style has never really matched yours. However, it’s practical and has some good components so you decide to keep it. Now, imagine you’re talking to a friend about getting rid of the couch but the friend warns you not to do it. If you get rid of the couch, then the ottoman won’t work. If you get rid of the ottoman, you will need a new chair, then a new rug. Suddenly, you will be standing in an empty room and having to start over from scratch. All because you got rid of the couch.

This hit me like a ton of bricks. This has always been my problem. I have never been settled with the so called purity culture. You know the one I mean….the one that says you are only “pure” if you remain a virgin until married. The teaching that men can’t control themselves, so once you start they won’t be able to stop. Women will be damaged goods and will never be able to rid themselves of the shame and guilt. They will forever be tied emotionally so they might as well get married. You could see the flawed logic in all of this.

However, because there are slight elements of truth here as well, it’s what makes it so hard to throw away the sofa. We become fearful of the slippery slope that we preach about, forgetting that the slope is often man made and it’s only slippery because we are holding a bottle of Dawn.

The truth is….we’ve made our own rules and added to Scripture in this area. We are attaching the word pure to something of our own standards. And to be clear…the standard is to be a virgin. You can do a lot of other stuff and still be pure by Sunday School standards. Not to mention, we don’t make a caveat for women who have been sexually abused or raped. We don’t want to touch that with a 10 foot pole, so we just inadvertently make them feel unclean without ever really saying it. AND….what about when the abuse is done on the watch of the church? What kind of purity standard does that fall into?

There is no other standard we attach words to such as clean/dirty except referring to sex before marriage. It’s no wonder that a watching culture wants nothing to do with us. We’ve really messed this one up. If a woman sleeps around she’s a slut, but if a guy sleeps around he’s a player. If a woman has sex before marriage she’s used and dirty, if a guy sleeps with his girlfriend once he will need it every time. We’ve covered up abuse in churches so much we don’t even recognize what’s right and wrong. We’ve had youth ministers taking advantage of girls since the beginning of time and guess what….most of them are still in ministry. And the women…well, they’re in counseling.

So what’s the answer? How do we get rid of the couch without throwing everything out of the window? How do we keep our kids safe and instill in them a healthy view of marriage and sex? How do I instill in my kids a desire to follow what God has for them without adding to His words? And what about my kids who might remain single? Um, let’s don’t even go there. But a purity culture that doesn’t address singleness and only addresses “saving yourself before marriage” is not a very well rounded view. When we are only preparing young women for their spouse, we are missing a generation of single men and women.

Our viewpoint is too often this:

• Teens and early 20’s be vigilant….don’t find yourself in a compromising position with a guy or girl. Have your guard up. Guard your heart. Don’t be a tease. Don’t run alone or be out after dark alone. Don’t wear short skirts….guys can’t handle it. Bind your breasts, wear baggy shirts. If you’re showing your knees, they might think you will easily show them something else. Spaghetti straps? Are. You. Kidding.
• Mid 20’s, early 30’s….watch out for who you meet on dating sites. They may have other ideas about what’s acceptable. Only practice courtship. No, only date in groups. No, only meet at church. They don’t go to church?? RUN. Oh, you were drinking?? Hmm…did you lead them on? Maybe your guard was down? Were you clear about your boundaries? Have you already had sex once? They could probably tell….
• Late 30’s, early 40’s…..wait….maybe your purpose is singleness. Um, no wait…maybe it’s to marry a divorced person. Wait, you aren’t sure you want kids? You do want kids? I’m not really sure what to do with you. At this point, purity talks go out the window. We quit discussing it because suddenly we’ve decided it’s no longer important. And because quite frankly, we are no longer sure what to say.

Surely, you can see the issue. For those of us in our 40’s, who grew up with ring ceremonies and purity pledges we are just a bit jaded. Everything in our world centered on sex and what to do and what not to do. Let’s don’t even talk about the fact that when you do get married, you’re suddenly expected to flip a switch and become a goddess in the bedroom.

What if we did this…..what if we were brutally honest with our kids? They can take it, I assure you. What if we told them that if (and when) they mess up, it’s okay. They aren’t impure. Or dirty. What if we taught them that sex before marriage is not God’s best plan and there are often consequences. That our desire is to raise kids who are so madly in love with Jesus that His plans for their life become their plans. That there is actually MORE freedom in a life with Jesus than a life without. We can’t blame our kids for not believing that when it comes to sex. We’ve spent decades putting restrictions on women’s clothing, their hair and their dating rules. We’ve conveyed the message that once a woman messes up it’s too late and often it’s their fault. There’s a nail in the cross that has now left a hole. She’s damaged goods. On the flip side, we’ve conveyed to young men that they can’t help it. Boys will be boys and all…..

How in the world did we not recognize the disaster we were creating, all in the name of Jesus?

However, there is hope. No matter how good you are, no matter what rules you adhere to, and no matter what religion you claim…you can never “save yourself.” You simply can’t do it. You also can’t be “pure” by following a set of rules. So, follow Christ. Love Jesus. Read His word. Rely solely on Him to save you and cleanse you. And confide in friends and family who can help you and point you to His word. And when you mess up…..just know this….Jesus is there, waiting to redeem and restore you.

And get rid of the couch. It’s okay to throw something out simply because you don’t like it and it just doesn’t fit. It doesn’t mean that you’re getting rid of everything. The alternative is forgetting why you kept it in the first place. And to me….that’s a much more dangerous place to be.

My Desperate PSA for 2020……

I mentioned several blog posts back that I took a short break from writing because I felt like everything I said and did was taken out of context. To be honest, it just felt nice to have a little pity party for myself so that’s exactly what I did.

But…I’ve decided to do my yearly obligatory post about fostering. So, this is your warning to do what only you can do in this moment…..quit reading if you so desire.

We opened back up for respite care about 5 months ago and had strict plans to only do short term placements. We stuck to that for a couple of months and then received a call for a toddler they hoped to have home by Christmas. We were on board with that and wanted to help mom succeed around the holidays. First rookie mistake….savior mentality hit me hard and I figured I better say yes so reunification efforts weren’t sabotaged.

Enter this toddler who is super cute and cuddly but cries as if he’s in a crying contest ALL. THE. TIME. We walk into our house at the end of the day and it’s what I imagine war to be like. Henry starts hitting him to try to keep him quiet (this doesn’t work by the way), the girls are doing homework, someone has a game or practice, and for some reason they all want to eat. J.O. and I are playing zone defense at this point and typically yelling out things like: “Where is his cup? Grab a diaper! He pooped AGAIN. Do your homework! No, you cannot have fast food. Yes, you can have fast food because I’m never cooking again.” And so forth and so forth.

A couple of nights ago I was sitting at home while J.O. handled the ballgame and I texted a picture of a screaming child to my friend with some very choice words. Needless to say, she was also having a bad day so we went on a 10 minute tirade about the inadequacies of the system, the failures of the programs, and the fact that our lives are just not very fun.

And then I put all the kids to bed and started over the next day.

Now, some of you reading this are thinking…. “exactly. This is why I didn’t choose this life and don’t do this. I help in other ways but I’m not going to bring this many kids into my home.” And I would say okay. That sounds pretty awesome. My only caution would be to never change that mindset because once you open this door, you will never be able to close it. The need is too great and the families are desperate.

Just yesterday I was texting our caseworker about trying to get our toddler with his other toddler sister. In the same home. Because they should be together. And she told me she would work on it, but there were simply no homes right now for all the kids in care. Let alone a home that could take a 1 and 3 year old.

Truthfully, I get it. The system is completely overwhelmed right now. And not everyone is able to foster. But I have to believe this…..if only a third of the homes that were CALLED to foster would open, this wouldn’t be an issue.

I’m exhausted. I’m raising a toddler that laughs in the face of obedience and a 1 year old that deserves way more attention than I can give him. But the truth is….if we don’t continue who will? That’s not me being a savior that’s me stating a fact. I get no less than 5 texts PER DAY for placements of multiple sibling groups. Homes are closing faster than they are opening. Trust me…I would love to have the church nursery worker mentality of: “I did my part and now it’s your turn.” But there’s no one waiting to tap in. That’s not dramatic…it’s just the truth. And now, I’m simply too far in to turn my back on it.

You should know this……working with the state can be difficult, working with kids who have lost everything near and dear to them can be hard, taking in kids when you already have kids can be busy……BUT….literal lives are counting on you. Are the blessings better in the long run? Of course. The relationships I have to this day would not be there if it wasn’t for this journey.

But……consider this my PSA for 2020. Please, for the love of all current foster parents sanity, go through the training and open your home if you know you should. This is not a poor pitiful me post, this is a poor pitiful kids post. We shouldn’t be their only and best option. Our toddler should be with his siblings who look like him and not thrown in with us. But….that cannot happen until there are more homes. Period.

So, don’t do it to give us a break, do it to give him all that he needs.

World Adoption Day

I think a lot about adoption and I’m very pro-adoption. In the similar manner that I’m pro-adoption, I’m also pro-life. However, I saw a sign the other day that said, “Adoption is the loving choice to abortion” and I gotta admit, it really made me think. Not because I don’t think adoption is loving. But because I think this is one of those signs that make us feel good to proclaim, but we really don’t know what we’re saying.

Let me explain what I mean. Adoption can be a loving option if you’re pregnant and know you’re unable to parent. These adoptions are typically done privately and without any state involvement. There’s a plan in place, parents are chosen, and you begin to walk the journey together.

However, on the flip side, we tend to praise the birth moms represented in our house for choosing life, but they did more than that. They also wanted, and chose, to parent. Now granted, their parenting was sometimes dysfunctional and often dangerous, but they never went through 9 months of pregnancy with the intention of having their child call another woman mom. No matter how they showed it…..they wanted their children.

I think we have this fairytale idea of adoption that is just not there.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Adoption is necessary and can be amazing. But it will never be perfect. We are very open in our house about adoption and that means we are very open about the loss. The other day one of my kids made the comment about how it will be sad when Henry realizes he’s adopted. One of the older kids piped up and asked why and she simply said…..because he will miss his mom.

That is the reality of national adoption month.

The birth moms represented in our home chose life the same way my mom chose life. The same way I chose life with Trey and Addison. These moms were excited to be pregnant. They were excited to have a child. They didn’t choose adoption. There was nothing loving in their mind about their child being adopted.

Adoption is hard. Messy. Scary. Sad. Happy. Beautiful. Loving. All rolled into one. And typically adoption, much like abortion, is rooted in pain and hurt.

I’m pro-adoption. I’m pro-life. Let’s spend November celebrating these kids and raising the need for awareness. Especially for sibling groups and older teens. We should not live in a country where a child ever ages out of foster care. Period. We should not live in a country where sibling groups are split up and separated when they are adopted. Period. We should not live in a country where women can’t afford to feed their children so they have them removed. Period.

Let’s celebrate moms who chose to carry their baby for 9 months only to hand them off to another woman. I cannot imagine how that would feel. But, let’s also have some sympathy for the moms who chose life and desperately wanted to parent. A mom recently told me that when she was in the throes of addiction she couldn’t understand why she wasn’t allowed to parent her children. She told me she felt like they were kidnapped.

That probably didn’t feel too loving.

I’m convinced that if we work together to change the stigma and narrative of adoption, we can change the direction for adoptees. They can be open about their loss. Open about their pain. They can sit at the dinner table and talk about feeling sad. They can tell me they miss their mom but don’t really know why. They can be open about making sure we are never going to leave them. They can be angry and jealous without fear of judgement.

Adoption is amazing and can be a very loving choice. Children waiting for homes should know they are seen and heard. However, they should also know we see all of them. We see the pain, the hurt, and the ugly it brings. We should be willing to have the hard discussions and engage in hard talks about policy change.

Honestly, I’m thankful my girls didn’t read that sign when we drove past it. Not because I completely disagree. But because I don’t want them to ever feel like a project or simply a slogan on a sign. They are worth so much more.

COVID 2020

Well, I haven’t been blogging much in the past few months, so I figured what better post to bring me back than one about our experience with COVID. I’m a junky when it comes to posts about daily symptoms, so I thought I would jump in with my own. Who knew a post about COVID would be the safe bet over what I really want to blog about…..politics, religion, and adopted children on display…..kidding…..kinda.

Anyway, I digress…..

Two weeks ago, COVID started making its way through some of our families at the church and I was in close contact with someone who tested positive. Now, because the rules are so crazy, I wasn’t actually made to quarantine but started paying attention to every little symptom that might have been out of the ordinary. I even got tested to be safe and it was negative.

My exposure happened from someone who tested positive on a Thursday and last Sunday morning I woke up feeling super queasy and actually almost passed out. I stayed home from church (we were online but I was going early to help) just to be safe and cancelled my plans for the day. I assumed I had a stomach bug because my only symptom was nausea.

Monday, I woke up fine so figured it was a short lived bug. However, throughout the day I developed a cough and by 1:00 I could barely stay awake. I made an appointment to get a test again and this one was positive. By this point, my legs felt like they weighed 500 lbs. and simply walking was torture. Thankfully, the kids were out of school on fall break, so we gathered up the babies and started our quarantine.

Monday night, J.O. started feeling puny and by Tuesday the body aches were in full force. His back was the first thing to hurt him. He made an appointment that same day and also tested positive. On Tuesday night, Addison also started feeling badly and she stayed in bed for around 24 hours. It was very mild with only fatigue and leg aches.

Last week was full of body aches for J.O., headaches for both of us, extreme nausea for me, and fatigue for us both. We both ended last week by losing our sense of smell and J.O. lost all taste. Our days alternated between helping the kids with virtual school (4 of them), and keeping the babies occupied until nap time. Our routine consisted of lots of high chair time, outside time, and paying the older kids to watch the younger ones. There were days I really had no idea how I was going to survive until bedtime and it was only 9:30 am.

COVID is no fun. I can’t compare it to the flu because I’ve never had the flu but J.O. assured me they both stink terribly bad. I’m super thankful Henry has so far remained unscathed but it’s definately not for his lack of trying. That child is attached to my hip. There is a huge praise in the fact that for some reason kids seem to handle this with little to no symptoms. However, those little germ infested beings are great at passing it to us.

This is not a debate on the death rate, whether or not everyone will eventually get it, and so forth. This is truly just my experience. My family is not throwing big back yard barbecues although we are back at work and school. We wear masks, wash hands, and stay home if we are sick. It’s worth noting the people I saw on Saturday did not get sick and we wore our masks properly the entire time. And according to the timeline, Saturday would’ve been my most contagious day. My exposure came from a meeting where I drank coffee while sitting close to someone unknowingly infected….hence my mask was down. Rookie mistake that I won’t make again.

I’ll be honest….any virus you get as a parent stinks. But, I’ve never had something that left me wanting to sleep as much as this or made me feel as groggy as this. One night, J.O. got up to go to the restroom and just passed out cold. Why? Who knows. So, please don’t buy into the myth that it’s not that bad, unless you are truly able to sleep for 14 days and start your own home IV of fluids and meds. J.O. and I might have fared better under those circumstances too. But, that’s not reality. Our reality was both adults sick while keeping a 14, 11, 8, 7, 2, and 1 year old fed and alive. And 4 of them in school.

But, I digress again. I know better than anyone that life happens. We are a foster family for goodness sakes. We invite living cess pools of germs into our home and will continue to do so until the Lord releases us. Our reality is quite different than other families and I’m okay with that. We chose this life. So in the meantime, we will continue to wear masks diligently, wash hands, and line up for the vaccine.

It’s okay to not be okay.

I’ve started and stopped so many blog posts over the past few months. Some I have actually written but only sent to my spouse or a friend. They were some of my best posts if I do say so myself…..but I would’ve been in big trouble for posting them. Some I have written and completely deleted. Honestly, I’ve been in an odd place and haven’t been willing to keep putting my thoughts out there. So I haven’t.

But, I realized something. I love blogging. I love writing. In fact, I’ve actually completed a book about our fostering and adoption journey that I will probably never do anything with. Why? Because I’m so unsettled with things right now. My view of adoption is ever changing, Henry’s story is so raw and personal, and Anna and Grace are growing up without the privilege of their birth mom in their life. And all of that is tough. And ugly. And not wrapped up in a neat little bow.

And I thought I was okay with that. But I’m not.

I also realized I’m not okay with the criticism that comes with this journey or the opinions. I’m not okay with social media tearing families and churches apart. I’m not okay with seeing posts celebrating the termination of parental rights. I’m not okay hearing people tell me I’m special because we take kids in. I’m not okay with people acting like we are a one trick pony. I’m not okay seeing people tear each other apart over politics.

There’s just a lot happening that seems to not be okay.

Don’t get me wrong: This is not a post about longing for the Pre-Covid world. This is about longing for a world filled with Jesus. Period.

A world where we love unconditionally. Live together despite differences. Take care of people stuck in poverty because it’s our calling and not our obligation. We take people cookies instead of stealing their yard signs. We worry more about being like Christ and less about pleasing man. A world without abuse, neglect, poverty, racism, sexism, and so on and so on.

A world where it’s okay to not be okay and for that we are welcomed into loving arms. And not judged from arms length.

But we seem to be running in the opposite direction of that. So, instead of writing I feel like I’m constantly playing defense. And hopefully that will end soon. Because this mama is tired. And on top of that…..I really don’t like sports.

Be Like Mary…..

My kids often chat about what they will do when they graduate and enter the real world. A couple of them still claim they are never leaving, but for the most part they all have different dreams and ideas. We have everything from professional video game reviewer, lawyer, doctor, hairdresser, and artist. It changes on a dime and typically depends on what they’ve came across that day.

One of my kids is a natural caretaker. She runs towards blood and not away from it. If someone cuts themselves, she grabs her own homemade first aid kit and not only bandages them up, but checks on them daily. This is definitely not something she has seen come naturally from me. In fact, if I think someone might be hurt, I make J.O. go look first. I’m too scared…..

I often pray for my kids using different Scripture and examples in Scripture. However, when I’m praying for my kids I realized something. I never pray for my kids to be like Mary. You know Mary. The one chosen to be the mother of Jesus. The one who had no clue what was happening to her at first, but she remained faithful.

But why not? Why do I never look to her as an example for my 14 year old son? Why am I more likely to teach my girls about David than the character of Mary? I think it’s because we tend to minimize her significance in Scripture. Now, don’t get me wrong. Without Mary, there is no Jesus (I know, I know….God can do anything) but that’s a pretty big deal. But all my teachings on Mary surround this: She was young (teenage young), scared, timid, and afraid. But she was faithful to the Lord.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want Addison to be a young, scared, teenage mom. The same way I don’t want Trey to be a young, murdering, adulterer.

So why do we so often study the traits of one over the other?

Scripture says Mary was favored, humble, trusted God, wise, discerning, obedient, faithful, follower of Jesus, brave, willing, reverent, relational, and so much more. Make no mistake…..Mary was a sinner just like you and me. Just like David. And Peter, Paul, John, etc. Yes, she was a teen mom who was probably scared to death. But, she was someone to be respected and studied. She was someone who continued to follow Jesus after He began His public ministry. And she did this as only a mom can do. She watched her son die in front of her and didn’t become bitter or angry. We don’t have record of her acting the way I would want to act. Crazy, delusional, outraged, etc. In fact, we know she devoted herself to prayer with the disciples in Acts after His crucifixion.

What kind of person could do that? Watch your son die and then worship and pray with others?

Someone like Mary. Like so many other strong people in Scripture. I wonder what it might look like to teach our daughters AND sons to follow the example of Mary. She is so much more than a scared teen mom. She’s a valiant warrior who followed Christ to the cross and beyond. And that’s what I want for my kids.

The Two Worlds of Covid

First of all, this is not a debate on the seriousness of the Coronavirus. I am assuming everyone reading this is educated. This is to simply offer insight to things we might not be considering.

Last week, I was talking to someone who recently started a new job waitressing. Soon after she began, she developed a low grade temp and had to stay home from work. When I talked to her Saturday she was ready to return to work because she’s desperate for money. No money coming in means rent can’t be paid. It doesn’t meant she dips into her “savings.” If rent isn’t paid, she loses her housing. If she loses her housing, she loses her child (because someone would for sure report her as homeless). If she loses her child, she slips back into drugs. See the cycle? You know what I gleaned from our short convo? She will never self report a fever again. Too much is on the line.

Still think this is no big deal?

I recently read something about the differences in families facing school decisions. One mom discussed the inconvenience of working from home and trying to do school online, but it was doable if necessary. Her husband could help and they had the resources available. Is it ideal? No. Doable. Yes. Another mom commented how she didn’t have that option. She was a single mom and her kids couldn’t stay home alone. School was the only option for her to work.

That led to the discussion of Corona Privilege and what that means.

For me, it meant the spring semester was no fun. 5 kids were home, 4 trying to be on ZOOM at one time, internet wouldn’t support it, 2 year old with tele-therapy, husband working from home, then laid off, etc. It was hard. But it was doable. And to be honest….my kids missed their friends but actually liked it. We had all the resources and necessary support to make it happen. We had Corona Privilege. My guess is, a lot of you do too.

So, what does this mean? Do we just ignore things and push for regular business as usual because the gap between the rich and poor is only growing wider? Do we just open schools like normal because parents have to work?

You can’t enter Children’s Hospital without answering questions, wearing a mask, having your temperature taken, and (typically) one adult per child. If you have a loved one in the hospital, you can’t just run up and visit. At my kids pediatric clinic, you can’t take your child to a check up in the afternoon because that’s now reserved for sick appointments. You can’t enter until you are escorted to a room.

We are delivering wine to your home to keep people from crowding liquor stores for goodness sakes.

But, we expect schools to somehow screen hundreds of kids daily all while being paid peanuts. And, we expect them to figure it out on their own. Each school is fending for themselves. And the only guidance is this: Schools need to re-open as normal.

To be clear….I think it’s best if schools re-open as well. It’s a safety net for so much of our society, but it shouldn’t re-open on the altar of the educator. Most of our educators are women. You know what that means historically? We are the caretakers. We care for our elderly parents, sick children at home, basically everyone. And I’ve yet to meet a snot nosed 5 year old that cared about social distancing.

What’s the answer? Well, if it were any other organization it would be funding and proper equipment. And educated people giving sensible guidelines that keep teachers and children safe. For some reason the idea and notion of that seems so foreign when dealing with education. We expect schools to function as parent, babysitter, and chef on a paupers budget. And we expect them to do it while literally sacrificing their life.

What’s happening now is tragic. Those of us with Corona Privilege will make decisions and do things others can only dream of. Our families in poverty will have to put their children on a bus and hope for the best. Teenagers who were already on the verge of dropping out will never go back to school again. This is the nudge they needed.

The gap is no longer a gap. It’s a chasm. And the people falling in the hole are people of color and those stuck in poverty. They won’t be able to get out of this one by, “pulling themselves up by their boot straps.” There are no boots available. Let alone boot straps.

Do what’s necessary to keep your family safe, but don’t just do it for your own family. Please. Do it for those who can’t make those same decisions. Wear a mask because the checker at Walmart may truly lose everything if he/she has to quarantine at home because of a low grade temp. Stay home if someone in your house has a fever, because someone up the road is deciding between paying rent and feeding their kids. Homeschool if you choose, but make some noise about the decisions other parents are being forced to make. Use that same privilege you used to call out racial injustice to call out this one.

And do me a favor: If you decide to sit on the sidelines and judge others for what they are doing while living life as normal, please remember this. When the number of kids entering the system due to poverty/neglect start to rise; call me. I can rush over the necessary paperwork to foster.

Besides….you may be the very reason they lost their job when you refused to take precautions and infected them. In all your Corona Privilege glory.

True Confessions….

In light of what’s happening in the world right now, here is a really dumb post to keep the mood breezy……

A few things you may not know about me:

Now that J.O. is working from home, I sometimes go to work even when I’m off and just read a book. Alone. In my office.

Sometimes I go for a “run” but really just go around the corner and sit on the trail behind our house and watch Netflix. I’ve never been more “healthy” than when I was trying to finish Grey’s Anatomy.

My son open hand slapped me this morning when my eyes were closed in bed because I wouldn’t look at him. So, I did what the therapist suggested and pivoted away from him. He then threw himself off the bed in anger so I told my 2 1/2 year old with global developmental delays, “That hurt no one but you bud. I’m headed to the shower.” He was fine FYI….me too for anyone concerned.

Our house has cameras in it for an old alarm system. The younger girls still think they work and I take risks on that one all the time. So far I am 10/10 on telling them to go ahead and confess because I saw it on camera. I’ve learned a lot of interesting things simply by bluffing. I’m getting very good. Sometimes they yell at me and ask me what they’re doing in front of the camera. I can usually guess or sneak around and peak.

If I’m in a bad mood, I grab my flower mask out of the car instead of my First Baptist one. That way I don’t have to worry if I’m not too friendly.

I realized several years ago spanking didn’t work for my kids. Plus, I only ever spanked out of anger. I also said dumb things like, “do you want a spanking?” My mom pointed out once that a child has never answered yes to that question. In the last 2 years my kids behavior has stayed the same. It’s no better or worse with lack of spanking. So has this worked? No clue. But we are all happier.

Having 5 kids gets me out of a lot. No one expects me to be really good at anything. It’s been awesome for someone who is happy being mediocre. When Henry is the only child at home, I will have to move.

I don’t have fear of missing out. I love chatting and keeping up with friends, but relaxing on the couch wins out every time.

Well, if you made it this far congrats. Hopefully I can create a more intelligent post soon.

Treating People like Humans

I’m obsessed with a new show on ABC called “For Life.” It follows a man wrongfully convicted of being a drug kingpin who receives life in prison on his first conviction. It’s based loosely on a true story and is easily one of my favorite dramas on tv.

My favorite part of the show is the female warden of the prison, because she is determined to completely change the way the prison is run. She allows longer visitations, more contact between inmates, and gives them a place to work out and play sports outside.

Basically, she treats them like humans.

I’ve only been inside a prison as a visitor twice and both times were within the last year. So, I will be the first to admit my experience is very limited. However, I noticed something the first time I visited. The mood in the visitation room was extremely subdued. The officer on duty was very stoic and had no visible personality. Now, I should be clear about something. The women in this facility are not on death row with shanks hidden in their pants pocket. Felons yes, but mostly due to a lifelong struggle with addiction.

Anyway, I was immediately told this guard wouldn’t let many things fly. The women were visibly nervous when I started letting Henry roam around the room. He started going towards the American flag and I could tell this was not okay. The guard was giving us the eye and Henry’s biological mom told me I should probably grab him. She told me she was nervous this guard would give her a strike and she was working so hard for no strikes. I just chalked it up to prison life and tried my best to keep Henry from running rampant. At one point, she asked the guard if we could take Henry in the play room and the answer was no. There seemed to be no apparent reason for this answer other than the fact that she could.

However, the next time I visited I noticed something different. There was a different guard on duty and the room was visibly more relaxed. Women were smiling and talking a bit louder and the guard even made an effort to engage in a bit of small talk. The play room was utilized and Henry was able to make his way over to the coveted flag. It was a better experience completely, but the reason didn’t hit me until one night when I was watching my beloved show.

The second guard treated these women like humans. She celebrated their families, smiled at their children, and allowed them to play together in the playroom. She still followed every single rule they had, but did it while remembering these were actual people. With real families. And real lives outside of these four walls.

We wonder why people are so often released from jail just to find themselves right back in. Have you ever been around a child who can do nothing right with their parents? Seriously. They wake up and screw up from the second their feet hit the floor. They are too loud, too rowdy, too rude, too messy, etc. etc. And after a while they just quit caring. They are going to stay in trouble no matter what so they might as well have fun while doing it.

Now, before you come at me with, “but kids are not hardened criminals” or “these people are terrible people.” Let me tell you something. I’ve heard about some kids doing some pretty sad things. Starting fires, offending against a younger child, and so forth. But make no mistake….if we tried to rehabilitate them by putting them in a metal cell in our closet, we would be the ones arrested. We don’t do that because it wouldn’t work. And because it’s extremely cruel. As parents, we may send our child somewhere for help, but it would look more like a therapeutic center and less like shackles and chains.

I’m not asking for a debate on whether adult criminals should be incarcerated. Of course someone who kills another person should be put away. Or someone who sex traffics young girls. And so on and so on. The day sin entered the world, there became a need for rules and regulations.

But I am saying this. As a society, we have to quit treating humans like caged animals and being shocked when they bite.